Hulk Hogan (above) and Pam Anderson paid homage. (FilmMagic Inc/FilmMagic.com)
Hulk Hogan and Pam Anderson (above) paid homage. (FilmMagic Inc/FilmMagic.com)
The Hoff with a bust of himself as he looked in “The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie.” (Gregg DeGuire/PictureGroup)
Three years ago, in the most unappealing display of food consumption seen outside of the Nathan’s July 4th Hot Dog Eating Contest, a shirtless David Hasselhoff made viral video history by slobbering over a cheeseburger while drunkenly writhing on the floor in front of his teenage daughter Taylor Ann. She videotaped the entire incident, by far, the most embarrassing moment in the life of a man who had already spent years in the company of a talking car.
“The Hoff” had never discussed that video, but decided to break his silence in an unusual setting — sitting in a lifeguard chair, on a dais, as the country’s most brutal comedians viciously mocked him on tonight’s “Comedy Central Roast of David Hasselhoff,” which was taped on August 1.
It’s especially surprising that Hasselhoff, 58, is using this forum to address his failures, since he did not lack for more conventional alternatives.
“The other ways I felt were intrusive, exploitative of my children, and to make money,” Hasselhoff says. “Geraldo called me around the clock. Larry King called me. Everybody else from ‘Entertainment Tonight,’ ‘Access Hollywood,’ ‘Insider,’ Oprah — everybody wanted an interview. But I wasn’t about to exploit my daughter.”
Did Hasselhoff understand, then, what would happen at the roast, at which his daughters, Taylor Ann, 20, and Hayley, 17, — both in front-row seats — were referred to by comedian Whitney Cummings as “whores?”
Hasselhoff seemed to grasp the magnitude of what he faced “only right before the show, and all the comics were apologizing,” he says. “Greg Giraldo said, ‘Hey man, I love you and I’m really sorry.’ Then Jeff Ross said, ‘Hey man, you’re a really good sport for doing this. I’m really sorry.’ Pam Anderson kissed me on stage and said, ‘You know I love you. I’m sorry.’ Everybody was apologizing.”
But Hasselhoff admits the onslaught was all in good fun.
“Maybe I’m sick, but I like this kind of humor,” he says. “This was part of letting our anger go. As my mother would say, ‘S–t happens. Life goes on, get over it, and move on.’”
The Hoff says his daughters encouraged him to participate in the roast and were disappointed that they weren’t mocked more mercilessly. He had asked the show’s producers that his kids remain off-limits, but as is the norm for this event, that request was ignored.
“I was told by the producers that we weren’t allowed to talk about his daughters, but I did anyway,” says roast regular Cummings. “You can’t tell a comic they can’t do something. I never would have brought up his daughters if they didn’t tell me not to.”
Given a wealth of material that includes “Baywatch,” “Knight Rider,”and the drunken cheeseburger video, Hasselhoff would seem like the ideal subject for a roast. But the evening’s comics say that this plethora of embarrassments came with a unique challenge.
“You don’t wanna to be the 15th guy to talk about how drunk he is,” says Lisa Lampanelli. “It’s good to have a lot of different areas that they’re idiots in.”
“I was reluctant at first when I got the call, because I thought, ‘Oh my God. How do you make this fresh?’” says comedian and fellow roast veteran Ross, who jokes that “the only difference between Hitler and Hasselhoff is that at least Hitler knew when his career was over.”
The timing of the roast worked for Hasselhoff because as he tells it, his life is filled with good fortune. While the actor is dating someone who’s living in a “different location,” his concern right now is staying healthy and supporting his kids.
He and the girls are preparing for an A&E reality show called “The Hasselhoffs.” In addition, Hayley stars in the ABC Family hit “Huge,” a source of enormous satisfaction for him.
“The proudest moment I had all year is when I saw the name Hayley Hasselhoff on TV,” he says.
With all these positive developments, the Comedy Central roast served to purge all the demons that had been plaguing Hasselhoff.
“Nobody had more fun than me [at the event]. I really felt a lot of closure,” he says. “In the end, nobody laughs at David Hasselhoff more than David Hasselhoff.”
THE GREAT ROAST JOKES
With subjects including William Shatner, Flavor Flav, Bob Saget and Joan Rivers, the Comedy Central Roasts have produced some of the funniest jokes of recent years. Here are a few of our favorites.
Jeffrey Ross to Andy Dick: “After last year’s roast, Andy Dick kissed my girlfriend’s hand. Forty minutes later, she was dead.”
Snoop Dogg, on comic Katt WIlliams: “When did they start selling pimp clothes at Baby Gap?”
Lisa Lampanelli, to Flavor Flav: “Enough with the clock. You haven’t had to be anywhere in 13 years.”
Betty White, to William Shatner: “You know, they make 1 percent milk now. You were supposed to explore the galaxy, not fill it.”
Whitney Cummings, to Tom Arnold: “You and Roseanne were the original tabloid couple. You were like Jon and Kate Plus an Eightball.”
Ice-T, to Carrot Top: “Look at you: the eyeliner, the muscles. It looks like halfway through your sex change, the doctor just said, ‘[screw] it.’”
Greg Giraldo at the Shatner roast: “George Takei is here. It couldn’t be easy being a gay Japanese man in the ‘50s. It had to be impossible to pronounce ‘glory hole’ with a Japanese accent.”
Jeffrey Ross, to William Shatner: “I always wished that your ‘Star Trek’ spaceship would land on a planet with an acting school.”
Lisa Lampanelli on Betty White: “Betty White is so old that on her first game show, the grand prize was fire.”