Age: 318, dating to a schism in the Swiss Mennonite church in 1693.
Appearance: Plain.
That's not very kind. I don't mean ugly; I mean simple, unadorned, devoid of ostentation. Most Amish people in the United States do not wear buttons, zippers, Velcro or bright colours.
Why not? Although restrictions vary from group to group, their traditional, deeply pious way of life requires separation from the modern world. Most Amish are not permitted to use mains electricity, own cars or carry insurance.
What sort of things do they do, then? Church-going, barn-raising, Amish-on-Amish crime, furniture-making…
Sorry, did you say Amish-on-Amish crime? Yes, but thankfully it's quite rare. They also speak a unique dialect related to Palatine German, which is…
Tell me more about the crime! OK: last week in Ohio, three Amish men were arrested in connection with an incident in which a 74-year-old Amish man had his beard forcibly chopped off.
That doesn't sound very pious. It was one of a spate of attacks where beards and hair have been removed from men and women, sometimes with gardening shears. The perpetrators are said to belong the Bergholz clan, a breakaway sect headed by Bishop Sam Mullet, who was shunned by the Amish community after a Bergholz member was convicted of sexual abuse in 2007. Two of the arrested are Mullet's sons.
Why beards? Why hair? It appears to be a direct attempt to shame the victims – for Amish men, a beard is a sign of status and maturity, and women are forbidden from cutting their hair. The stolen hairs were reportedly delivered to Sam Mullet as proof the deed had been carried out.
He sounds fun. "I'd put him up against Jim Jones," says Jefferson County's sheriff, Fred Abdalla. "All I can tell you is, that guy's dangerous."
Do say: "This horrific crime is unrepresentative of the Amish, apart from the ones who did it."
Don't say: "Just a quick trim, fellas – I've got a hot date tonight."